Meeting With Future Son-in-law

A man was very eager to meet his future son in law. His daughter had gotten engaged unexpectedly and this weekend would be their first time meeting
him. He told all of his friends at work he had a whole list of questions to ask this young man.

On Saturday morning he invited his soon to be son-in-law out for a cup of coffee. As they began to talk, the father quickly found himself asking the
questions that were weighing on his mind.

“Do you have a job? I know you just finished college and all, but how do you plan to support yourself and my daughter?”

The young man paused and said, “Well, God will provide.”

The father then asked his second question, “Where do you intend to live? Do you have a house or apartment lined up for after the wedding?”

The young man paused and again, and with much conviction said, “God will provide.”

The father waited a few moments before launching into his third question. “Son, do you have any money? Any savings? A financial nest egg?”

The young man looked him right in the eye and said again, “God will provide.”

The following Monday all of the father’s co-worker were curious to find out how it had gone meeting his future son-in-law.

The father smiled and said, “I kind of like the kid. He thinks I am God!”

Received from Anonymous Fan.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 827 Scott Adams: Dale Informs POTUS of New Election Interference, Then I Take Questions


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Adam Schiff, Shelby Pierson, new Russian election interference
  • Who would Russia logically prefer…President Trump or Bernie?
  • AOC’s Democrat challenger…Michelle Caruso-Cabrera
  • The Bernie inspirational images advertisement

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I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 827 Scott Adams: Dale Informs POTUS of New Election Interference, Then I Take Questions appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

The Phone Call

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began
telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, “Hi, honey.”

“Thank goodness, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 825 Scott Adams: Heavily Medicated But Not Down


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • President Trump knows identity of “Anonymous” author
  • President Trump pardons and clemencies
  • Tom Cotton taken out of context on coronavirus
  • Did Senator Chris Murphy violate Logan Act?
  • Bernie notes FOX more fair to him than MSNBC
  • A linguistic kill shot for Bloomberg
  • International opinions of America and our standing in the world

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I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 825 Scott Adams: Heavily Medicated But Not Down appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

College Cost

A banker was arrested for embezzling $ 100,000 to pay for his daughter’s education.

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he asked the banker, “I have just one question for you. Where
were you going to get the rest of the money?”

Received from Becky Day.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 824 Scott Adams: The Bernie Bomb, Bloomberg’s VP Pick, Irrelevant Biden, Stealth Reparations


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • The “Bernie Bomb” can blow up three different ways
  • Brainwashing works, Bloomberg now in second place
  • Is Bernie the weakest candidate?
  • The shoe salesman analogy
  • Stealth reparations, did you notice?

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I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 824 Scott Adams: The Bernie Bomb, Bloomberg’s VP Pick, Irrelevant Biden, Stealth Reparations appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

New Teacher

It was the first day at school. The students were all in their seats, waiting for the new teacher to start.

The teacher stands up, and says, “Whoever in here thinks they are stupid, please stand up.”

The students all looked at each other, and finally, one boy stood up.

“Do you think you’re stupid?” asked the teacher.

“No, said the little boy, “but I didn’t want you standing there alone.”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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Episode 823 Scott Adams: Fareed Zakaria Calls Bernie’s Climate Plan “Magical Thinking,” Trump at Daytona 500


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Daytona 500…Nobody puts on a show like President Trump!
  • Did Bloomberg call farmers morons?
    • Out of context statements
  • Fareed Zakaria calls Bernie climate plan “magical thinking”
  • Is CNN signaling they won’t back a progressive?
  • Iran President says discussions with US could happen
  • Democrats can’t seem to meet their own standards

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 823 Scott Adams: Fareed Zakaria Calls Bernie’s Climate Plan “Magical Thinking,” Trump at Daytona 500 appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 821 Scott Adams: Democrats Realizing “Maybe the Problem is us,” Coronavirus Mysteries


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Who IS the President of Mexico?
  • 4 Democrat “canaries in the coal mine”
  • Coronavirus versus an ordinary flu virus

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 821 Scott Adams: Democrats Realizing “Maybe the Problem is us,” Coronavirus Mysteries appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 820 Scott Adams: Valentines Whiteboard Lesson on Winning Versus Losing Frames. (This Will Change Some Lives.)




My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • The losing way to look at the world

versus

  • The winning way to look at the world

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I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 820 Scott Adams: Valentines Whiteboard Lesson on Winning Versus Losing Frames. (This Will Change Some Lives.) appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Its Got To Be Love

An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all
through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn’t resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, “I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in
love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that.”

The wife looked up sharply and said, “It’s not love, Pastor, I’m just keeping him from cracking his knuckles.”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 818 Scott Adams: Coming in HOT. There Will be Cursing


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Coronavirus look forward at what to expect
  • Roger Stone sentencing “enhancements” and jury foreperson
    • 3 strong pieces of evidence it was a crooked process
    • President Trump’s comments and decorum, tradition
    • Geraldo’s provocative question…4 high level attorneys?
  • Did Brennan and Clapper break same laws as Roger Stone?
  • John Kelly slams President Trump on Korea talks progress
  • Adam Schiff challenger, Independent candidate Jennifer Barbosa

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The post Episode 818 Scott Adams: Coming in HOT. There Will be Cursing appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

What Do You Love Most…

“What do you love most about me,” a husband asked his wife, “my great athletic ability or my quick intellect?”

“What I love most about you,” responded the wife, “is your enormous sense of humor.”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 817 Scott Adams: Who REALLY Won in New Hampshire, New Stupid Attack on Trump


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • CNN Stephan Collinson’s newest anti-Trump attack
  • Thanking Andrew Yang for making the race better
  • Comparing Democrat candidates to President Trump
  • Joe Rogan is at the highest level of human awareness
  • A way for the Trump Administration to Legalize marijuana

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I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 817 Scott Adams: Who REALLY Won in New Hampshire, New Stupid Attack on Trump appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Email Mix-up

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold
winter. Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on
a certain day, with the wife following him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he
decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife’s email address and sent
the email off without realizing his error.

In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a pastor of many years who had been called to glory just a
few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband’s relatives and friends. Upon reading the first
email she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman’s son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:

I’ve just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here!

Received from Anonymous Fan.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 816 Scott Adams: Bloomberg’s Odds, Mayor Pete’s Military Service, Types of Nationalists, Nuclear Families


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Mike Bloomberg “stop and frisk” comments in 2015 audio
  • Democrat parties future if they pick Bernie
    • What if they don’t pick Bernie?
  • Pete Buttigieg’s military service
  • Coronavirus and coincidences
    • Trucks with disinfectant spray cannons in China

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I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 816 Scott Adams: Bloomberg’s Odds, Mayor Pete’s Military Service, Types of Nationalists, Nuclear Families appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Blonde vs Blonde

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road
and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while.

When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. “Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?”

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, “Because it is an ocean of wheat.”

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. “It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a
bad name.”

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at blonde in the field yelling, “If I could swim, I would come out there and
kick your tail!”

Received from Joke du Jour.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 815 Scott Adams: Odds of Coronavirus Being a Bio Weapon, AOC Primaries Schumer? Dog-Faced Pony Soldiers



My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Biden’s “lying dog-faced pony soldier” reply
  • The contrast play, a President Trump favorite
  • Will AOC primary Chuck Schumer? Would she win?
  • AOC mixes up names of two famous economists
  • Chinese Ambassador doesn’t deny coronavirus is bio-weapon
  • Whiteboard: Coronavirus facts and suspicions

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I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 815 Scott Adams: Odds of Coronavirus Being a Bio Weapon, AOC Primaries Schumer? Dog-Faced Pony Soldiers appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

The Love Boat

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was in love three times,” one friend says.

“How so?” his friend asks.

“Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me.”

“Was that not love?” his friend asks.

“No,” he replies. “That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”

“Was that not love?”

“No,” he replies. “That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great
conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”

“Was that not love?” his friend asks.

“No,” he replies. “That was motion sickness.”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 814 Scott Adams: “Extremist Face”, Van Jones the One-Eyed King, Bad Risk Management, Blame


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Van driver intentionally crashes into GOP registration tent
  • Van Jones, the rare Democrat without TDS
  • Rudy Giuliani says he has the smoking gun on Ukraine
  • Buttigieg’s long word salad answer without content
  • The salt salesman’s path to success
    • a recommended follow… @DJ_DR_FUNKJUICE

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 814 Scott Adams: “Extremist Face”, Van Jones the One-Eyed King, Bad Risk Management, Blame appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 813 Scott Adams: The Strongest Democrat Presidential Candidate, and an Inspirational Story


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Sam Harris has updated thoughts on President Trump
  • The Democrat debate and Presidential candidates
  • Coronavirus update, first American citizen death
  • Amir Attaran’s Tweet about Jordan Peterson’s situation
  • One small act of kindness and endless ripples

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 813 Scott Adams: The Strongest Democrat Presidential Candidate, and an Inspirational Story appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Air Conditioning Broke

The Catholic Church’s air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man
peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary.

Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it’d be funny to try and mess with the lady’s mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said,
“This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered.”

The little old lady didn’t even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn’t hear him, and tried again.

“This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!”

Again, she didn’t react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. “THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS
WILL BE ANSWERED!”

The lady looks up and says, “QUIET DOWN! I’M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!”

Received from Cathy.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 812 Scott Adams: James Woods is Back, Donny Deutsch Gets Cancelled, Optimism is High


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • President Trump’s victory speech after he wasn’t impeached
  • Young healthy Doctor who reported coronavirus, died of it?
  • Donny Deutsch and Elizabeth Warren’s “packaging”
  • Chernobyl fungi that eats radiation
  • Nancy Pelosi’s hinge
  • Bette Midler’s ALL CAPS fear
  • Kudos to Aaron Rupar for his 48 Hour Rule, public apology

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 812 Scott Adams: James Woods is Back, Donny Deutsch Gets Cancelled, Optimism is High appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Johnny’s Prayer

Tonight’s subject is prayer. Some people are very proud of the fact that they don’t pray, others are proud of the fact that they do pray. I heard of
one family who had some visitors coming to lunch and they wanted to show-off to their visitors how well they had bought up their children and how well
their children prayed.

So when it came to lunch they said to their son, Johnny, “Johnny, why don’t you pray?” Johnny looked rather embarrassed and he said, “I can’t.” So,
the mother just whispered to him, “Johnny, just say what Daddy said at breakfast.”

So he shut his eyes and said, “Oh God [pause] why do we have to have these awful people over for lunch today?”

Received from Anonymous Fan.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 811 Scott Adams: Iowa Proving the Best Movie Plot Wins, Impeaching Pelosi, Dems Going Crazy


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • President Trump, the best troller of all time
  • The “bipartisan” vote concept
  • Where are all the people who said trade wars never work?
  • Twitter dustup with a nest of Democrats

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 811 Scott Adams: Iowa Proving the Best Movie Plot Wins, Impeaching Pelosi, Dems Going Crazy appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

The Farmer’s Wagon

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon, loaded with corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

“Hey Clarence!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come into the house with me and the Mrs, and have a bite to eat. Then I’ll help you get the
wagon up.”

“That’s mighty nice of you, “Clarence answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw, come on,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.”

Received from Joke du Jour.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 810 Scott Adams: A Rip-Roaring Tour of the SOTU, Iowa’s IOU, Shampeachment


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • The State of the Union 
    • Fake fact checking?
  • Pete Buttigieg’s win in Iowa
  • Bernie’s policy appeal
  • Who wins a brokered Democrat convention?
  • MSNBC Zerlina Maxwell speculates Iowa Democrats are racist
  • CNN Van Jones warns Democrats to wake up

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 810 Scott Adams: A Rip-Roaring Tour of the SOTU, Iowa’s IOU, Shampeachment appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Shark Joke

I once heard about a wealthy Texan who had an impressive ranch in Texas. On his ranch, he had a HUGE floodlit swimming pool and in this swimming pool
he kept a SHARK. The rich Texan loved to throw lavish dinner parties and would invite his guests up around the pool afterwards. Then he would say to
them, “If any of you will swim a length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $ 10 million, or half of my estate, or the hand of my
daughter in marriage.”

Well one evening as he was saying this….and he always said before he finished, “but I must warn you before you do so, there is a shark in the
pool.”

Well one evening as he was saying this, there was a splash, and a man, very nicely dressed, swam the entire length of the pool chased by the shark. He
got out of the pool just in time as the shark thudded into the wall.

The Texan said, “Congratulations you are the first person who has ever done that!! Now what would you like? Would you like $ 10 million?”

The man gasped, “No thank you.”

He said, “Would you like half of my estate?”

The man said, “No thank you.”

He said, “Ahh, you want the hand of my daughter in marriage?”

The exasperated man said, “No thank you!”

So the Texan said to him, “Well what do you want?”

He said, “I want the name of the man who pushed me in.”

Received from Anonymous Fan.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 808 Scott Adams: Super Pole Dancing, Iowa, #BloombergBox Sales, Brainwashed vs Lying


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Superbowl pole dancing half-time show
  • President Trump’s genius trolling of Michael Bloomberg
  • 42% of Yang supporters would NOT support another Democrat
  • MSNBC and CNN’s pundits promoting King Trump nonsense
  • Brainwashed vs partisan lying vs ignorant people
  • Biden versus Bernie
  • Is the Democrat nomination process legit?

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 808 Scott Adams: Super Pole Dancing, Iowa, #BloombergBox Sales, Brainwashed vs Lying appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Counting Sheep

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving
around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?”

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, “Of course.”

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, “352.”

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, “You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep to my end of the deal.
Take your pick of my flock.”

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my
dog back?”

Received from Joke du Jour.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 807 Scott Adams: Superbowl Commercial For The #BloombergBox


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • The #BloombergBox, available now

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

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Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 805 Scott Adams: The #Unpeachment, Coronavirus, Bernie Surging, Our New Dictator


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • WHY are we waiting till Wednesday to vote on acquittal?
  • Olivia Nuzzi notes the happy, dancing Trump supporters at rallies
  • Bernie Bernie Bernie, his supporters, his policies and the deficit
  • DNC rule change qualifies Mike Bloomberg for next debate
  • Closing air traffic from China and the Muslim country ban
  • President Trump’s huge persuasion error requires an explanation

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I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 805 Scott Adams: The #Unpeachment, Coronavirus, Bernie Surging, Our New Dictator appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 804 Scott Adams: Elaborate Prank on Chief Justice Roberts, Coronavirus Malfeasance, Other Fun


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • The “Best Story” filter for predicting the future accurately
  • Alan Dershowitz taken out of context all day yesterday
    • Smirky-face John Avlon misinterpreting Alan Dershowitz 
  • Rand Paul’s clever question, CJ Roberts and the whistleblower
  • Joe Lockhart’s CNN crazy talk and crazy eyes
  • Coronavirus and flights STILL allowed from China
    • An enormous risk management decision

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I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 804 Scott Adams: Elaborate Prank on Chief Justice Roberts, Coronavirus Malfeasance, Other Fun appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 803 Scott Adams: Dale the Anti-Trumper Argues Against Alan Dershowitz, ME Success, Word-Thinking

My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Misinterpreting Alan Dershowitz, the Dems play of the day
    • Adam Schiff, Stephen Collinson, Stephen Colbert and Dale
  • DOJ Prosecutors won’t insist on jail for innocent General Flynn
  • 6 major NY drug dealers, released without bail
  • President Trump’s path to middle east peace
  • Mark Schneider’s insight on the scary image of nuclear waste

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I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 803 Scott Adams: Dale the Anti-Trumper Argues Against Alan Dershowitz, ME Success, Word-Thinking appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

The Computer Swallowed Grandma

The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed ‘control and ‘enter’
And she disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I’ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I’ve even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found ‘online.’

So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’
My Grandma you should see,
Please ‘Copy, Scan’ and ‘Paste’ her,
And send her back to me.

This is a tribute to all the Grandmas & Grandpas,
Nannas & Papas, who have been fearless
and learned to use the Computer…
They are the greatest!!!

Received from Becky Day.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 802 Scott Adams: Hunter Biden “Wrongdoing”, Israel Peace Plan, Impeachment, Coronavirus


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • President Trump’s Middle East peace plan and Saudi Arabia
  • What Joe Biden and Hunter did…was NOT illegal?
  • Fentanyl will only be illegal for 8 more days
  • Coronavirus, closed borders, restricted air traffic from China
  • Impeachment witnesses?
    • Entertainment versus what’s best for the country

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 802 Scott Adams: Hunter Biden “Wrongdoing”, Israel Peace Plan, Impeachment, Coronavirus appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 801 Scott Adams: David Mittelman on DNA Opportunities, Sour Don Lemon, Impeachment, China


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Guest David Mittelman discusses DNAsolves.com
    • A crime solving DNA database for law enforcement
  • Bernie’s poison pill option to ensure he wins
  • Alan Dershowitz:
    • The articles of impeachment are NOT impeachable
  • Closing our airports to flights from China?
  • Don Lemon and guests denigrating Trump supporters
  • Prime Minister Netanyahu and the potential for Middle East peace

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 801 Scott Adams: David Mittelman on DNA Opportunities, Sour Don Lemon, Impeachment, China appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 800 Scott Adams: The Bolton “Bombshell” and Coronavirus


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Bolton “bombshell”
  • Our government is failing us on the CORONAVIRUS situation
    • SHUT DOWN THE AIRPORTS
  • President Trump’s tweet called “threatening” to Adam Schiff
  • Rocket attack on US Baghdad embassy

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

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Scott Adams’ Blog

Arm Injury

The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man’s arm.

“Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?” Smith asked the plaintiff.

The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain.

“Thank you,” said Smith. “And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?”

The man’s arm shot above his head.

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 799 Scott Adams: Coronavirus Liars, Biden’s New Ad Persuasion, Impeachment Scorecard, More


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Coronavirus screening is ineffective, and NO travel ban?
  • President Trump’s Impeachment defense strategy
  • CNN’s defense strategy for Democrats
  • LInquistic fingerprints…like “dark” and “risky”
  • Climate change and Al Gore’s long ago climate fears
  • Slate Magazine’s hit piece on Joe Rogan

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 799 Scott Adams: Coronavirus Liars, Biden’s New Ad Persuasion, Impeachment Scorecard, More appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Pastor Ouch

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked
out. She said, “Your successor won’t be as good as you.”

“Nonsense,” said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

“No, really,” said the old lady, “I’ve been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last.”

Received from Becky Day.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 798 Scott Adams: The Clearview AI app that Identifies Criminals, With David Scalzo, Plus Impeachment


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

  • Content:
  • Special guest: Clearview.ai investor David Scalzo
    • A search engine for faces, used by law enforcement
  • There should be a cost for attempting to impeach and failing
  • Adam Schiff claims and harm to national interest
  • Adam Schiff and future crimes of the imagination
  • The challenge of cartooning with diversity

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 798 Scott Adams: The Clearview AI app that Identifies Criminals, With David Scalzo, Plus Impeachment appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Five Kinds of Fruit

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it. They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don’t rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about
you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN

If you chose:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.

b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.

c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.

d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.

e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound
stuff.

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 796 Scott Adams: Winning Shampeachment Theater, Mnuchin Versus Greta, Chinese Election Tampering


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • A 4th hypothesis to explain @RichardGrenell shadowbanning
  • Secretary Mnuchin calls out Greta Thunberg’s loserthink
  • Senate shampeachment rewards lying
  • Adam Schiff’s impressive background and personal life
  • CNN Stephen Collinson’s curious handling of the HOAX video

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 796 Scott Adams: Winning Shampeachment Theater, Mnuchin Versus Greta, Chinese Election Tampering appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Really Impressed

As a psychologist, my first job was working in a small clinic. One of my patients was a pleasant woman who needed emotional support because of
some
recurring health problems.

After six months of treating her, I was really impressed with my work. In one session, my patient was reviewing her career and personal
accomplishments over the last 50 years as a way to boost her self-esteem.

Suddenly she paused and looked at me. What she said next brought my ego back in line. “Honey,” she asked sweetly, “what was it again that you do
for a living?”

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 795 Scott Adams: Impeachment Theater Winners and Losers, Shadowbanning Update, Food From Air


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Ambassador @RichardGrenell shadowbanned?
  • Impeachment theater absurdity
    • lying is allowed, HOAX videos are allowed?
  • Alan Dershowitz on “crime-like” impeachment
  • Laundry-list impeachment isn’t constitutionally valid, game over?
  • Making food by feeding CO2 to microbes

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 795 Scott Adams: Impeachment Theater Winners and Losers, Shadowbanning Update, Food From Air appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Frazzled Doctor

As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place was packed with patients. The nurses and doctors all seemed
frazzled.

I discovered just how frazzled when a doctor walked into the room, pulled out his examination light, pointed it in my ear, and instructed me, “Say,
‘Ah.'”

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 794 Scott Adams: Impeachment Strategy, Hillary Neuters Bernie, Climate Non-Hoaxes, Zombie Killers


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Impeachment…how it SHOULD go
  • Why did CNN’s Anderson Cooper have Alan Dershowitz on?
  • Impeachment supported only by mind-reading?
  • Virginia 2A gun rights rally
  • Hillary trashes Bernie Sanders
  • Interesting climate change developments by President Trump

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 794 Scott Adams: Impeachment Strategy, Hillary Neuters Bernie, Climate Non-Hoaxes, Zombie Killers appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Firehouse Training Session

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out
windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick
wit, “You got the right place.”

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 789 Scott Adams: #Shampeachment Theater, Liz and Bernie, Lev Parnas, China Deal


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Young people still believe “The News” is legitimate
  • Emotional impeachment
  • Robert Hyde and Ukraine Ambassador surveillance 
    • Nice try Rachel Maddow
  • CNN didn’t report the MAJOR China deal yesterday?
    • No pretense of being a news organization
  • CNN’s common opinion piece TRICK
  • Musical artist Akon building his own city in Senegal

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 789 Scott Adams: #Shampeachment Theater, Liz and Bernie, Lev Parnas, China Deal appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 787 Scott Adams: Pinnochiohontas, Iran’s Collapse, Booker Booking


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • What’s the best nickname for Elizabeth Warren (my Twitter poll)
    • Elizabeth Warren versus Bernie Sanders…who lied?
  • “Imminent” doesn’t matter
  • Peter Goodman’s NYT article on Iran’s economy
  • The greatest, most effective persuasion reframing of all time
    • Middle East stability has never been closer

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time.

The post Episode 787 Scott Adams: Pinnochiohontas, Iran’s Collapse, Booker Booking appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Classroom Talk

As you know, kids say the darnedest things.

Yesterday, a sweet little nugget said, “Mrs. Hall, your eyes sparkle like glitter.” And I thought, well, this boy already knows his way to a women’s
heart.

Today, as I was giving directions to the class about a quiz we were about to take and where to turn it in. I asked if there were any questions. A
different little nugget raised his hand and asked, “Mrs. Hall, did you know that your arm jiggled when you moved it like that?”

Obviously, this little boy will be alone forever.

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 785 Scott Adams: Tweaking the Simulation From the Control Room While Talking About Iran


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Cause and effect didn’t start this week
  • Iranian demonstrations for downing of the Ukrainian airline
  • Viral video of Israeli and American flag painted on floor
    • 97% refused to walk on the flags
  • President Trump tweets in Farsi
  • Leaving Iraq
  • North Korea expert, Devin Stewart’s thoughts

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 785 Scott Adams: Tweaking the Simulation From the Control Room While Talking About Iran appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 782 Scott Adams: Iran and Impeachment Because Most of our Real Problems are Being Solved


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Why I’m a President Trump supporter
  • Paul Krugman’s computer
  • Ted Cruz calls some Dems apologists for Iran
  • Imminent attack, Congressional briefing
    • Rand Paul says he didn’t see proof
  • Ukrainian plane that went down in Iran
  • President Trump slurring during his Iran statement

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 782 Scott Adams: Iran and Impeachment Because Most of our Real Problems are Being Solved appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Episode 780 Scott Adams: Iran and the Funeral of the “Stupidest Person in the Middle East”


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Tucker Carlson’s unique stand on imminent attack planning
  • The letter to Iraq that wasn’t
  • Must read on Soleimani’s death, NYT by Thomas Friedman
  • Gordon Chang’s objective reality on Iran’s nuclear compliance
  • Rand Paul thoughts on the  death of diplomacy
  • Khamenei says retaliation must be direct and by Iran itself
  • The absence of tears
  • Was President Trump “decisive” or “Impulsive”?
  • A ring is the future of tech

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 780 Scott Adams: Iran and the Funeral of the “Stupidest Person in the Middle East” appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Open House Appreciation

To show his appreciation to the community, our base commanding officer held an open house. This included a free meal in the mess hall.

I was busing tables when I noticed a family leaving a large tip. “Excuse me. We can’t accept tips,” I told them.

“It’s not for you,” said the woman. “That’s to help send your cook to culinary school.”

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 779 Scott Adams: Coming in HOT, With Coffee


My new book LOSERTHINK, available now on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/rqmjc2a

Content:

  • Ricky Gervais Golden Globes monologue
  • Michael Moore’s letter to the Supreme Leader of Iran
  • Anti-Trumpers continue to fear imaginary futures
  • Who and how many, did NOT join the Soleimani mourners?
  • Could the Palestinians be offered resettlement in Iraq?
  • 60 Minutes report on Epstein proves it was suicide
  • Also 60 Minutes: Psilocybin cures addiction and anxiety

If you would like my channel to have a wider audience and higher production quality, please donate via my startup (Whenhub.com) at this link: 

I use donations to pay for the daily conversions of the original Periscope videos into Youtube and podcast form, and to improve my production quality and search results over time. 

The post Episode 779 Scott Adams: Coming in HOT, With Coffee appeared first on Scott Adams' Blog.


Scott Adams’ Blog

Admin Note (not a joke)

First of all, I’d like to retract the “Christmas Pun” because it was in poor taste and inappropriate for several reasons. Unfortunately, after a joke
get sent out, there’s no way to truly retract it, but I do apologize for sending it out. It has been deleted from Facebook, Twitter and our
website.

Secondly, GCFL is going to take a small break this week. We will resume on Monday, January 6th, 2020.

I hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever your winter holiday of choice is, and that you have a
blessed new year.

Sincerely,
John Price
The GCFL guy

The Good, Clean Funnies List

A Cat’s 12 Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tasty cat treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of tissue,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!

Received from Irene A. Mystery.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Christmas Kids Sermon

/* GCFL wishes everyone a Merry Hump Day (and a Merry Christmas)! */

Prior to the children being dismissed for children’s church, our pastor invites the children to come up front for an ‘abbreviated’ sermon and
illustration of the weeks message.

This past Sunday he started off his ‘kids sermon’ by asking the children if they knew what day this coming Wednesday was.

Expecting all the children to respond with “CHRISTMAS,” we were all amused when one child spoke up and answered “HUMP DAY”!

Needless to say it was tough recovering after that one.

Received from Mike Przybysz.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Dog’s Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed out than usual and they will appreciate long
comforting dog cuddles.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake
antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to
you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don’t pee on the tree.
b. Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree.
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree.
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open.
e. Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for
some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans. Don’t eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant,
even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa — they don’t know any better. Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
unless you can get away with it.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other
people’s houses (4a is particularly important). Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on
your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!

Received from Timothy Anger.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

I Know Something…..

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know
something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”

He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

DNA Results

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from
completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid…

Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped. You said, “Please go change the
baby, I’ll wait for you here.” So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.

Received from Becky Day.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

On the Scale

When children come in to the doctor’s office where I work, it’s my job to weigh and measure them.

After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: “Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I
do and stand on it.”

Recognition dawned on the child’s face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, “Oh, darn!”

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Groaner: Food Network Show

Didya hear the one about the new show planned for TV’s Food Network sponsored by the Arthur Andersen accounting firm? It’s called “Cook the
Books.”

(by Richard Burkard)

Received from Stan Kegel.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Baseball In Heaven

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come
back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.

He said to Bob, “I have good news and bad news. I’ll tell you the good news first. There IS baseball in heaven.”

Bob said, “That’s the best news!”

Then Earl said, “Time for the bad news…you’re pitching tomorrow night.”

Received from Mikey’s Funnies.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Garden Gnome

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. “What are you?” asks the cat.

“A gnome,” comes the reply. “I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief.
And what, may I ask, are you?”

The cat replies, “Um, I’m a gnome.”

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

What Was I Doing?

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood…” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

Received from Daily Clean Jokes.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Strange Problem

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

“Doc, there’s something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby’s high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum
foil that’s wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?”

“Sure!” The doctor said. “You have way too much time on your hands!”

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

5 Crazy Theories About Famous Crimes People Actually Believe

By Andrew McRae  Published: December 11th, 2019 


Cracked: All Posts

Groaner: Pancake House

Two guys went to a local pancake house that served real Vermont maple syrup but charged extra for it. So the guys went to a supermarket, bought their
own Vermont maple syrup, and brought it to the pancake house.

They didn’t want to get caught, so they were forced to pass the bottle between them syrupticiously.

(by Gill Krebs)

Received from Stan Kegel.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

To Butter, or not to Butter Funny

Jack Benny and George Burns met as young performers on the vaudeville circuit and remained friends for life. One day at lunch, Benny wrestled with the
problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

“I like butter on my bread,” he said. “But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do.”

“Jack,” Burns said, “don’t be ridiculous. You’re a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife’s help, whether or not to butter your
own bread.”

“You’re right,” Benny said. “I’ll just have the butter, that’s all.”

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, “He’s paying.”

“What?” Benny said. “Why should I have to pay the whole bill?”

“Because if you don’t,” Burns said, “I’ll tell Mary about the butter.”

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

Received from Mikey’s Funnies.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Insurance Laughs

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes found by a UK insurance company:

“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q – What warning was given by you?
A – Horn.
Q – What warning was given by the other party?
A – Moo.

“I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching Lorries, and another on the woman behind.”

“On the M6 motorway I moved from the center lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way.”

“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”

“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”

“I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.”

“No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.”

“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”

“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”

“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”

“We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies’ loo.”

Received from Joke du Jour.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Physical Fitness Class

During my physical fitness class, I had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedaling a bike. After several minutes, one man suddenly
stopped.

“Why did you stop pedaling?” I shouted.

“I didn’t stop,” he said, wheezing. “I’m coasting.”

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Thanksgiving Short Ones

Q. What’s the best song to sing when preparing your turkey?
A. “All About That Baste.”

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn’t quit “cold turkey.”

Q. If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?
A. Goblet.

Q. What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween?
A. Gobble-ins!

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don’t eat this much!

Q. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A. Pilgrims!

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. – Kevin James

Q. What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A. Plymouth Rock.

A new survey found that 80% of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying ‘that smells good’
to be helping. – Jimmy Fallon

Q. What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost?
A. A poultry-geist!

Received from Michael Day.
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Landing Request

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.”

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

“Ah,” the pilot remarked, “the dreaded seven-engine approach.”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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Reasonable Fee

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”

The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”

“A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Funny Numbers

Joe started a new job in an office full of cubicles. On his first day he heard someone yell out the number “36,” and everyone just burst out laughing.
He thought that was kind of strange. Then someone yelled out, “84,” and again everyone started to laugh. This went on for quite some time.

Finally, Joe asked a co-worker what the number calling was all about. The co-worker replied, “We are so busy that we have a book of jokes that
everyone has memorized, and to save time we just yell out the number.”

That night Joy went home and memorized the whole book. The next day while at work he yelled out, “29,” and everyone just looked at him strangely. So,
he just went back to work.

Someone else yelled out the number, “67,” and everyone just laughed hysterically. So, Joe yelled out, “95,” and again everyone just looked at him
strangely, so he put his head down and went back to work.

Later that day at lunch, he asked the co-worker, “Why didn’t anybody laugh when I yelled out a number?”

The co-worker replied, “Well, you know how it is. Some people can tell a joke, and some people just can’t.”

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Stone’s Throw

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. “It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

The reply came back: “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Plane Crash Survivors

Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over
the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, “This island is uninhabited. There
is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!”

The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms, and responded, “No, we’re not. I make over $ 100,000 a
week.”

The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. “Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!”

The other man, unruffled, again responded, “No, I make over $ 100,000 a week.”

Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer, again repeated, “For the last time, I’m telling you we are doomed! There is NO ONE else on
this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die!”

Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, “Don’t make me say this again. I make over $ 100,000 per week. I tithe 10 percent.
My pastor WILL find us!”

Received from John Baker.
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Ship Shape

My daughter, Michelle, is the commander of a Coast Guard cutter. When she gave my husband, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed with the neatness
of all decks. However, when Michelle brought Bob to her house, he couldn’t believe the disorganization.

“Why is everything in its place on your ship,” he asked, “but your house is such a mess?”

Michelle replied, “My house doesn’t take 30-degree rolls.”

Originally from the Reader’s Digest.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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Teething

This is an actual conversation I over-heard while at lunch today. A young woman was talking with an older woman, apparently her mother. “I haven’t
slept in three days,” she complained. “The baby is teething and he’s up all night crying.”

“Why don’t you just rub a thimble-full of brandy on his gums. That will numb them up and put him right to sleep.” answered mom.

“I can’t give the baby alcohol! Lord knows what that will do to him.”

“Well, it never hurt you any.” The look on her face was priceless.

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.
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Scrub the Toilet

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the
rim of a toilet.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Hazing the new guy,” he said.

“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”

His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.”

Received from Jeffery S. Carr, Reader’s Digest.
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Eating a Quarter

“What should I do?” I pleaded over the phone.

My extremely laid-back vet answered calmly, “Swallowing a quarter is nothing to worry about. But if he does it again and a can of soda shoots out of
his rear, give me a call.”

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
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Want Coffee

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure thing, coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then
just walks out of the place!

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says
to the waiter, “Want coffee!”

The waiter says, “Whoa, mister! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.”

Found on Roger Pearson’s site, http://www.firestarteam.com/archive/v3/V3-01.htm

Received from Ron Harvey.
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Poor Fido

A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of
its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I told him to bring the animal over.

When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet’s opinion. At last the doctor turned to
him and asked, “Do you have any children?”

“Oh my gosh, is it contagious?” the man gasped.

“No,” the doctor answered. “It’s bubble gum.”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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Thoughts du Jour

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

3. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

4. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.

5. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.

6. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

7. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

8. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

9. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

10. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

11. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.

12. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

13. No one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

14. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

15. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

16. The other line always moves faster until you get in it.

17. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

18. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.

19. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

20. It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

21. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

22. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

23. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

24. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

25. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

Received from Joke du Jour.
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Dead Man Jokes

Q: Why was the dead man happy to be sentenced during his trial?
A: Because they gave him life.

Q: What is a dead man’s favorite magazine?
A: Life

Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer?
A: Because he was rotten to the core.

Q: What kind of personality did the dead man have?
A: He gave you the cold shoulder.

Q: What kind of a shot was the dead man?
A: He had dead aim.

Q: How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other?
A: They were dead ringers

Q: How did the two dead brothers do in school?
A: They were dead even.

Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind?
A: Because they knew he was dead wrong.

Q: Why was the dead man not living well?
A: Because he was dead broke.

Q: Why was the dead man not courageous?
A: Because he had cold feet.

Q: Why was the dead man insensitive?
A: Because he had a cold heart.

Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife?
A: Because she was frigid.

Q: Why did the town chase out the dead drifter?
A: Because he was a deadbeat.

Received from Joke du Jour.
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Personnel Request

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply:

“Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics.”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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Count Dracula’s Castle

Mr. and Mrs. Hill and their three children were on a touring holiday in Transylvania where they stopped for the night in Count Dracula’s castle.

During the night, the evil Count sucked the blood out of all of them and put them in coffins in his vaults.

The next night Dracula sat by the organ thundering out loud music, while down in the cellar the poor Hills stirred in their coffins. They made their
way up to the organ gallery and when Dracula saw them he said, “Welcome to the vampire club, the next tune is especially for you.”

And guess what he began to play?

“The Hills Are Alive to the Sound of Music.”

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