James Brown Doctor Says D.A. Wasting Time, He Wasn’t Murdered

James Brown was NOT murdered, regardless of what a woman who knew him is now suggesting … so says the doctor who signed the legendary singer’s death certificate. Dr. Marvin Crawford tells TMZ … the Fulton County D.A.’s Office is wasting its…

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This Catfish Wasn’t Asking For Money — She Was Sending It

It’s usually the love hopeful who sends a catfish money — but during tonight’s ‘Catfish’ episode, it was the catfish sending money to the love hopeful.
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The Baby Boom: How It Got That Way, And It Wasn’t My Fault, And I’ll Never Do It Again (Unabridged) – P. J. O’Rourke

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The Baby Boom: How It Got That Way, And It Wasn’t My Fault, And I’ll Never Do It Again (Unabridged)

P. J. O’Rourke

Genre: Comedy

Price: $ 17.99

Publish Date: February 11, 2014

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Little Brother Reveals Why 9th Wonder Wasn’t Part Of Reunion Album

The unfiltered answer from Phonte and Rapper Big Pooh.


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Art Money Success: Finally Make Money Doing What You Love: A Complete and Easy-to-Follow System for the Artist Who Wasn’t Born with a Business Mind (Unabridged) – Maria Brophy

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Art Money Success: Finally Make Money Doing What You Love: A Complete and Easy-to-Follow System for the Artist Who Wasn’t Born with a Business Mind (Unabridged)

Maria Brophy

Genre: Arts & Entertainment

Price: $ 17.99

Publish Date: October 24, 2018

© ℗ © 2018 Son of the Sea, Inc.

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‘It Just Wasn’t Right’: Leah Gets Candid About Her Teen Mom 2 Breakup

‘Teen Mom 2’s Leah reveals the reason she broke up with Jason.
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It wasn’t pretty, but the Browns are still in the playoff hunt for at least one more night

At 6-7-1, Cleveland needs help to reach the postseason. The Browns still have a chance after winning four of their past five.
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Stephen Curry is back, but it wasn’t the return he hoped for

Sometimes Steph Curry has memorable return games. Saturday night in Detroit was not one of those games.
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Crystal Hefner Says Her Marriage With Hugh Hefner Wasn’t About Sex: ‘That Wasn’t All That Important’ (EXCLUSIVE)

Crystal Hefner is an open book.


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Pop: Kawhi great player, but wasn’t leader for us

Spurs coach Gregg Popovich said Kawhi Leonard’s “talent will always be missed,” but that Manu Ginobili and Patty Mills filled the leadership roles during Leonard’s time in San Antonio.
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Justin Verlander Doesn’t Know If He’d ‘Even [Be] Here’ If It Wasn’t For Wife Kate Upton

Years before they said “I do,” Kate Upton helped Justin Verlander through a dark period of his life. In an emotional new interview for The Bleacher Report, the pitcher said the model was “basically a therapist” to him when a series of injuries almost ended his MLB career in 2014.


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‘Is This A F*cking Joke?’: Nae Wasn’t Laughing When She Learned The Identity Of Her Catfish

A young woman got the shock of her life when her online beau was revealed on this week’s ‘Catfish.’
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Drake Wasn’t Dodging Pusha T Diss with ‘Degrassi’ Music Vid for ‘I’m Upset’

Drake’s new music video for “I’m Upset” — with his ‘Degrassi’ castmates — wasn’t a clever distraction from his beef with Pusha T … but it was a bad, and unavoidable, coincidence. Drizzy took a ton of heat for releasing the video while fans were dying…

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Vegas’ success wasn’t rigged: Here’s how the Knights were built

No one expected Vegas to make the Stanley Cup Final this season. Here’s how each player taken in the expansion draft has helped (or not).
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Sheila E. Says Justin Timberlake Wasn’t Behind Prince Hologram Idea

[[tmz:video id=”0_tu3qifzm”]] Justin Timberlake wasn’t the guy gunning for a Prince hologram during his recent Super Bowl halftime show … it was a bigger name attached to the show, according to Sheila E. We got Sheila E. at LAX Friday where she…

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Adam Venit Says Terry Crews Wasn’t Injured and It Wasn’t Sexual

The man Terry Crews claims sexually assaulted him at a party has responded in new legal docs, saying it was all a case of no harm, no foul. Adam Venit, a big Hollywood agent at William Morris Endeavor, just filed his response to actor Terry’s…

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Lorde Not Performing at Grammys Because She Wasn’t Offered Solo Spot

Lorde is now the second nominee out of 5 for Album of the Year who won’t be performing at the ‘Grammys’ Sunday, and it’s all because the offer she got from producers was a slap in the face … TMZ has learned. Sources close to Lorde tell us … the…

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Golden Globes 2018 Wasn’t a Total Bummer Behind the Scenes

This year’s Golden Globes had a ton of heaviness around it — from the Time’s Up blackout, to the #MeToo movement … but, surprisingly, there were also flashes of joy. Despite Hollywood dealing with a reckoning on sexual misconduct, lots of folks…

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Meryl Streep Speaks Out In Response To Rose McGowan’s Criticism: ‘I Wasn’t Deliberately Silent’

Meryl released a statement about Harvey Weinstein along with a request to personally chat with Rose after she was called out for her silent protest in a now-deleted tweet. Rose wrote, “Actresses, like Meryl Streep, who happily worked for The Pig Monster, are wearing black @goldenglobes in a silent protest. YOUR SILENCE is THE problem.” Find out what Meryl had to say in response.


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Gigi Hadid’s ‘Armpit Hair’ Apparently Wasn’t Hair At All

Gigi Hadid wasn’t trying to show off her unshaven pits during her LOVE Magazine photo shoot — ’cause the fuzz folks saw was nothin’ but loose fibers … TMZ has learned. Sources close to Gigi tell us her “armpit hair” — which was prominently…

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Jameis Winston: Uber Driver Is Confused, I Wasn’t Sitting Next to Her

Jameis Winston says reports he sexually assaulted a female Uber driver are FALSE — and claims he was NOT the only person in the car that night as the driver has claimed.  Winston just tweeted about the BuzzFeed report in which Uber driver Kate…

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Eminem’s Presidential Dis Wasn’t The Only Political Statement At BET Hip Hop Awards

In an extended freestyle during the BET Hip Hop Awards, Eminem went all-in on President Trump.

The rapper’s condemnation of President Trump coincided with Luther Campbell’s long overdue honors for taking hip-hop’s freedom of speech fight all the way to the Supreme Court.

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Tomi Lahren Uses Military Trans Ban To Slam Obama. J.K. Rowling Wasn’t Having It.

The “Harry Potter” author broke out her U.S. History Remembrall.
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Seal Wasn’t Really Into Renewing His Vows To Heidi Klum Every Year

Before separating in 2012, Heidi Klum and Seal made headlines for throwing elaborate, oftentimes themed vow renewal parties every year. (Who could forget the couple’s notorious “white trash”-themed wedding in 2009?) 

Turns out, Seal wasn’t really a big fan of the tradition. In a new interview with Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM radio show, the 52-year-old singer opened up about the couple’s anniversary fetes. (The pair married in May 2005 and went onto renew their vows in places like Costa Careyes, Mexico and Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Club in Florida.) 

“That was my ex-wife’s idea, to be honest,” the “Kiss From A Rose” singer admitted. “It kind of turned into a little bit of a circus, which I wasn’t terribly fond of because, by default, I’m quite a private person.”

Meanwhile, in 2010, the Klum gushed about how much the renewals meant to the couple and their four kids: ”It’s our time — a lovely family time,” she told Redbook. “It’s about remembering this moment of love we gave to each other and reinforcing it.” 

Though Seal said he “disliked” how heavily publicized the vow renewal ceremonies became, he ultimately went along with it to make his former wife happy. 

“You’re married and you become a team player,” the Grammy Award winner told Cohen. “You understand that each of you have different lives and you do whatever you can to support your partner’s life.” 

He added: “I don’t know how necessary [renewing our vows] was, but it was cool.” 

No word if Seal felt equally unenthused about Klum’s annual Halloween costume parties – a tradition she continues to this day. (In the photo below, from the supermodel’s 2006 party, he looks pretty into it.) 

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Turns Out the Bones and Sleepy Hollow Crossover Wasn’t As Strange As We Thought It Would Be

Raise your hand if you went into the Bones and Sleepy Hollow crossover episodes incredibly confused as to how they would make any sense whatsoever! And raise your hand if you finished the episodes…


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Divorced at 29: Reflections on a Marriage That Wasn’t

Saying ‘I do’ in my 20s was not one of my brightest moments.

It probably ranks down there with drinking OJ after brushing your teeth and/or eating Whataburger at 2 a.m. with a stomach full of alcohol. All occurrences, while widely varied, end with the same sour face.

I attended college at a private university in the south, where women were applauded for getting engaged before the end of their senior year, and expected to become mothers by their mid-20s. While I do not blame society for my poor decisions, I cannot help but acknowledge that my environment certainly encouraged me to place a greater importance on marriage at a young age, rather than on a career.

There are women far smarter than I who did not fall into the trap, and I applaud them. I, on the other hand, felt driven by a ticking clock. My timeline was etched in stone, and damn if it would be altered in any way.

Oh, to be young and foolish. Post-divorce me winces at the determination of my younger self; a girl blinded by others’ expectations of her and oblivious to what she truly wanted.

And that’s the thing: I believe that very few women (and men) genuinely know what they want and need in a partner until they have the opportunity to experience the antithesis. My marriage served as the antithesis of what I needed in a spouse — we could not communicate our way out of a cardboard box, sadly, and did not see eye to eye on…basically anything.

We met in our late teens, during a time when emotions ran high and rational conversations were non-existent. In retrospect, he and I were the poster children of opposites attracting — a relationship that began as a relatively harmonious yin and yang, but slowly evolved into a gasoline and matchstick situation. Sporadic grumbling became the norm, and at the end, our differences resulted in days of resentful silence.

Those around us chalked up our bickering to youth (“he will grow out of it, she will mature”), but as the days and years progressed, it became harder to write off our warring dynamic. I, like many other twenty-something divorcees, experienced an internalized tennis match during every fight. Do our issues stem from immaturity or incompatibility? Is this a phase, or permanent? Is irrational, childish behavior pushing us to fight like this, or are our personalities forever ill-matched?

All questions that I asked myself on what seemed like a never ending loop. All questions that I wish I could have answered far sooner.

Ultimately, it took the better part of 10 years to realize that we were simply not right for each other. A decade lost to unnecessary wars over grocery lists, dirty socks, and whose car took up more room in the garage. Yelling. Finger pointing. Rinse and repeat.

So while it would be easy to look back with ample remorse and bitterness, as I am further removed from signing my name on the divorce papers, I find myself grateful. For the opportunity to learn (albeit the hard way) and grow into someone who embraces her independence.

22-year-old me was terrified of that word.

30-year-old me loves who she is because of it.

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Katy Perry ‘Rolling’ Fan — I Wasn’t High!!!

The “rolling” Brazilian fangirl who made headlines for groping Katy Perry at Rock in Rio over the weekend tells TMZ she wasn’t high or drunk … just tired when Katy brought her up onstage. Rio native Rayane says she’d been up since…

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Rick Ross Sued — Wasn’t the Boss at Super Bowl XLIX … Give us Back Our $55k!

Rick Ross’ gig at a Super Bowl party turned into a disaster because he’s no social media guru … in fact he sucks at Instagram and Twitter … according to the company that paid him to headline. Conexts is suing Rick for the Jan. 30 event that was…

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Alabama Releases New Single ‘Wasn’t Through Lovin’ You Yet’

Alabama have released “Wasn’t Through Lovin’ You Yet,” the lead single from Southern Drawl, the band’s first album of new music in nearly a decade and a half. “It got my attention the first time I heard it, and I asked to hear it again two and three times and knew it was powerful,” lead singer Randy Owen tells People of the new song.
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No, Gay Marriage Wasn’t a Conservative Win

Conservative Michael Gerson damns the Supreme Court as an “unrepresentative clique of lawyers,” while also trying to pretend gay people want to marry because conservatives convinced them sexual liberation was wrong.

According to Gerson, the gay community fought for marriage because

public intellectuals such as Jonathan Rauch and Andrew Sullivan… urged gays to embrace the conventional, bourgeois practice of marriage. What had seemed to many Americans a sexual liberationist movement requested access to the institution designed to limit sexual freedom for the sake of social order and effective child-rearing (while delivering joys that arise only out of commitment).

Most gay people will be surprised, because relatively few have heard of Rauch and Sullivan. Rauch seems more libertarian than conservative and Sullivan has no consistent viewpoint other than admiration for Sullivan. It just isn’t true that a couple of “public intellectuals” changed the community, nor is it true there is a conflict between the sexual liberation of the early gay rights movement and marriage.

Sexual liberation for gays was first and foremost about decriminalizing homosexuality. It would be ludicrous to spend much time worrying about marriage when your mere existence was a crime in most states. This is not to say the gay community didn’t discuss the marriage issue; some gay couples sought the right to marry soon after homosexuality was decriminalized.

That conservatives such as Gerson didn’t notice it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Gay couples have been fighting for the right to marry for decades; it isn’t some new fad. It was happening before any “public intellectual” was willing to take a stand on the issue.

Only after homosexuality was decriminalized could same-sex couples settle down with the security of knowing they wouldn’t be arrested merely for loving someone. Once liberation came, people were free to seek relationships without threat of incarceration. That is precisely what they did. This is not to say gay couples never had done so before, but being open in the past was a risky affair at best.

As these couples, accustomed to fighting for their rights, experienced a relationship, they discovered the state was still inhibiting and harming gay people. They learned the hard way that the inability to marry could inflict real damage, so they fought back.

When their beloved was hospitalized they found themselves excluded because they weren’t family. When a medical decision had to be made they discovered distant relatives could make that decision, but they couldn’t. Some even found that when their spouse died they weren’t even allowed to claim the body for burial. They were legal strangers.

When Patrick Atkins had a stroke and was incapacitated, his lover of 25 years, Brett Conrad, rushed to his side. So did Patrick’s anti-gay mother. She banned Conrad from the hospital. She claimed custodial rights as next of kin, something Brett couldn’t do. She took Patrick away so Brett couldn’t see him. She confiscated Patrick’s business, bank accounts and the house he and Brett had shared, evicting Brett.

When Conrad fought for his partner in the courts the judge sympathized but said his hands were tied because the couple was not allowed to marry.

I remember my moment of enlightenment on marriage rights. I was living overseas and in a committed relationship. After three armed attacks I had to leave. I could return to the U.S., but my partner could not come with me. Had we been allowed to marry, there would have been an option. The law left us none.

In the reality of day-to-day living, gay couples saw the results of not being allowed to marry. They tried to create patches through private contracts, but found that option unaffordable. Even those patches were no guarantee. Law gives presumptions to families. Marriage hands those presumptions to your family of choice — your spouse. Wills can be challenged by family arguing “undue influence.”

Some couples brought with them children from previous relationships, or that one of them adopted. They might be together for years when one dies, and the other discovers he has no parental rights to the child he was parenting. The kids could be packed up and sent off to some distant relative they’ve never met.

Gay people started demanding marriage because “patches” didn’t work. Government was impeding the well-being of their relationship by forbidding equal access to the protections of marriage. They demanded marriage because of real-life experiences, not the writings of public intellectuals.

Public intellectuals added to the debate, but didn’t sway the LGBT community from “sexual liberation” to marriage. Sexual liberation merely allowed gays to form relationships and the natural progress is to seek long-term or permanent relationships. Gay couples discovered all sorts of legal problems marriage would have solved for them. They started demanding marriage because practical experiences taught them the alternative wasn’t a good one.

As someone who has followed the debate within the LGBT community, something Gerson never did, I saw the issue evolve because of practical experiences of gay couples. Public intellectuals were pretty much inconsequential in that evolution.

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Ex-Pastor Wasn’t Going To Set Self On Fire Over Gay Marriage… Probably

Inquiring minds are wondering whether Rick Scarborough, a conservative Christian political advocate who was said to have threatened to set himself on fire if the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage, is now merely a pile of smoldering ashes.

Several outlets reported Scarborough’s supposed threat. But it turns out it was a bit of an exaggeration.

The reports come from a statement that Scarborough, a former pastor, made on the National Emergency Coalition show — a podcast linked to a right-wing group Staying True to America’s National Destiny, the Independent reported this week. Scarborough never actually mentioned lighting himself ablaze.

What Scarborough said — referring to how devoted he and his followers are to “traditional values” — was, “We are not going to bow, we are not going to bend, and if necessary we will burn” Have a listen for yourself:

While it’s tempting to imagine a man so fanatically committed to bigotry that he would take a match to himself, it’s more likely that Scarborough meant he’d burn figuratively.

The Huffington Post contacted Scarborough’s organization, Vision America, to ask about any potential plans for self-immolation in light of Friday’s Supreme Court ruling legalizing gay marriage. We have not heard back.


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Gigi Hadid, Joe Jonas — In Case it Wasn’t Clear …. (PHOTOS)

The likelihood that Gigi Hadid and Joe Jonas are banging just went from clear and convincing evidence to beyond a reasonable doubt … and we say that with 2 new pieces of evidence. EXHIBIT A: Joe planted a kiss on Gigi as she got out of his car and…

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Sandra Bullock: Performing In ‘Minions’ Wasn’t Easy

Sandra Bullock tells Access’ Tim Vincent why her role as Scarlett Overkill was a difficult one for her.


Access Hollywood Latest Videos

Jerry Reed’s Daughter: ‘My Dad’s Talent Wasn’t Confined to Country Music’

In 1972, Jerry Reed was on top of the world musically. Hit records like "When You're Hot, You're Hot" and his often-imitated style of guitar playing were making him a household name across the nation. And, in December of that year, the singer entered unchartered territory for a country performer: He appeared as a guest star on the Saturday morning cartoon Scooby Doo, Where Are You? That, according to his daughter Seidina, was a watershed moment — at least for her. "I was hot when Dad was on Scooby Doo," she recalled to Billboard with a laugh. "The kids all loved me. I was so excited. Dad was on a cartoon!"
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‘Gilmore Girls’ Michel Wasn’t Necessarily Gay, But Sookie Was Supposed To Be

The question of Michel’s sexuality on “Gilmore Girls” is perhaps best summed up by this fan page asking if he is “gay or just French.” The show’s creator, Amy Sherman-Palladino, spoke with The Huffington Post at ATX Television Festival in Austin, Texas, Friday and gave us what may be the closest thing we’ll ever have to a definitive answer.

“We all know men who seem creative, who have wives and children,” she said, giggling. “So we never actually pursue it one way or the other and sort of let it lie.”

“We left it ambiguous and I think that was a choice,” said Yanic Truesdale, who played Michel. “I actually never asked Amy! … I’ve never asked, swear on my mother’s head.”

michel

As Sherman-Palladino noted, early on in the series Michel makes a few comments insinuating he is straight. “We sort of went on record saying he was into women, because we put it in the script once,” she said, “but things can change or shift.”

Truesdale remembered that people speculated his character was in love with Lorelai, though his sexuality was never really part of Michel’s character. “They couldn’t figure it out and Amy liked that,” he said. “That’s why she made it like, ‘Oh, he loves Celine Dion.’ But he’s French. French guys are more feminine. French guys are more sophisticated… If you go to Paris, it’s like, ‘Oh my god, is he gay?'”

Sherman-Palladino did, however, explicitly think of other Stars Hollow residents as gay. “We had characters in the town that we thought of as gay,” she said, refusing to reveal who. “And we just thought of them as characters.”

When the show started in 2000, LGBT characters were few and far between (read: mostly limited to Showtime’s “Queer As Folk”). Sherman-Palladino actually intended Sookie (Melissa McCarthy) to be gay, but executives wouldn’t approve.

“Things were different back then,” Sherman-Palladino said. “The networks were very different in how permissive they would allow you to be. So, Sookie was originally supposed to be gay, but that was a non-starter at that time.”

Although she has said the show couldn’t exist today, if it had started a bit later, things might have been different.

“It changed so quickly,” she said. “By the time ‘Gilmore’ had been on a year or two, that shit was starting to drop right and left. But by that point, Sookie was in a relationship. It was really right at the cusp of when things were starting to turn. You know, today everyone would be gay. Lorelai would be gay!”

Lauren Duca is currently covering the ATX Television Festival for The Huffington Post. Follow her on Twitter @laurenduca and expect much more to come!

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Pats’ Kraft angry, says Wells Report ‘wasn’t fair’

Pats’ Kraft angry, says Wells Report ‘wasn’t fair’
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Farrah On Her Dramatic ‘Teen Mom’ Return: It Wasn’t Everything It Seemed

In this “Teen Mom OG: Featured Moment,” Farrah opens up about her dramatic “TM” return.
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Shelly Sterling — It Wasn’t About the Money … I Wanted to Stick It to Stiviano!

Shelly Sterling says she didn’t go after V. Stiviano for the money — SHE WANTED JUSTICE — and says she plans to give away every single cent she won in her crushing court victory to a charity.  Our sources say … Shelly was “out for blood” from…

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Drake — I Wasn’t Disgusted By Madonna Kiss … It Was Her Gnarly Lipstick (VIDEO)

Drake was not grossed out when Madonna planted a prolonged lip-lock on him at Coachella Sunday night … his reaction was all about lipstick aftertaste. Sources close to Drake tell TMZ … he loved the kiss. As for whether…

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It Wasn’t a Fairy Tale for Someone on Dancing With the Stars Disney Night: Here’s What Happened Backstage

I don't normally get excited over Disney week, but last night's performances totally won me over. Can you imagine Dancing With the Stars pulling this off in season one? From Rumer's Little Mermaid-themed underwater adventure…




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‘Jerry Springer’ Producer Jill Blackstone — Cops Believe Sister’s Death Wasn’t Suicide … It was Murder

“Jerry Springer” producer Jill Blackstone did not carry out her sister’s wish to end her life — she murdered her … at least that’s what law enforcement now believes. Our law enforcement sources say Wendy Blackstone — who was deaf and partially blind…

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Dad Of Man Who Killed ‘American Sniper’: ‘This Wasn’t My Son That Did This’ (VIDEO)

Speaking publicly for the first time since their son, Eddie Ray Routh, was convicted of killing former U.S. Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, Ray and Jodi Routh, open up about their son, whom they say had been suffering from PTSD and severe mental problems.

“We want to at least get our statement out here the best that we can, because this wasn’t my son that did this. It was his body that did it, but it wasn’t him in his right mind,” Ray tells Dr. Phil in the video above. “They think our God-dang kid is a villain, I mean, just the evilest son-of-a-bitch on the face of this earth. He’s a decent young man that something snapped in him.”

Dr. Phil’s entire interview with the parents of the man convicted of killing the inspiration behind the movie American Sniper airs Monday.

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Madonna Explains Why She Wasn’t Injured During Brit Awards Fall


“I attribute a lot of the fact that I came out all right because I’m in good shape.”

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So Your Childhood Wasn’t A Fantasy? Why It’s Time To Get Over It (VIDEO)

Justin, 32, says that he has addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex and “anything I could almost latch on to.” He blames his mother, who got pregnant with him when she was 17, and admits that she smoked marijuana in front of him, let him drink at 16, dated numerous men (some of whom treated both of them badly), and was often an absentee parent. “I am the way I am because of my mother and my childhood,” he declares.

But Justin says he wants a better future for himself and his 4-year-old daughter, so he turns to Dr. Phil for help to change his legacy.

In the video above, Dr. Phil compares Justin’s history with his mother’s and finds many similarities. “Legacies get passed on from generation to generation,” he says. “There’s a lot about your mother that you resent, yet you mimic her a lot in your life, right?”

Justin agrees.

“You have zero accountability for what happened to you as a child. You have zero accountability for being born to parents who had higher priorities, that had pathology. You have zero accountability for that. But you have 100 percent responsibility for what choices you make now as an adult,” Dr. Phil tells him. “That hill in front of you may be very steep, but it is still yours to climb. If she is responsible for creating damage in you … fair or unfair, it is your job to clean it up.”

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New Study Finds A Third Of College Men Would Engage In Forcible Sex If It Wasn’t Defined As ‘Rape’

A new study displays college men’s attitudes towards “forcible sex” and “rape.”
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I Was Ambivalent About Having Kids — Until I Wasn’t

It’s a Saturday morning, and I think I’m pregnant. I go to the bathroom and unwrap a pregnancy test — pH paper inside a plastic stick. I sit on the toilet and awkwardly place the plastic stick under my urine stream.

I set the stick on the edge of the sink and watch my urine slowly move down the paper, saturating it, telling it things about my body that I don’t know. After two minutes, the stick shows my result. One solid pink line, the faintest inkling of a second line just to its left. But, is that a line? Or am I just imagining it? Do I want it to be a line?

I take a picture of the test with my phone and I text it to my sister: “What does this say?”

She calls me immediately. “It says you’re pregnant!” She’s happy and I’m skeptical. It doesn’t feel real. I mean, I just had my IUD removed a month ago. It’s too soon.

My husband is out getting the car’s oil changed. I text him. “Buy pregnancy tests. All different kinds.” He comes home with a new set of tests. I guzzle water and take them all, one at a time. Each test confirms the one before. There is a row of four pee-soaked sticks on the edge of my sink, all with faint second lines.

***

Five years ago, when I was 28 years old, I decided I would never have children, ever. I had been dating a guy for six years, we were living together, and I wanted to get married with the fervor of a woman who feels she has nothing else going for her. I worked at an industrial supply company, had a boyfriend, and getting married appeared to be the only exciting possibility open to me. But my boyfriend didn’t want to have kids. To marry him, I had to know I wasn’t going to have children.

I had always assumed that I would one day have kids, but I assumed this the way I assume that I’ll one day fit into a size six or have a Roth IRA or not find cigarettes delicious — those are future difficulties for future Dana to handle. But now I’m twenty-eight years old and I need to make a choice. I start to experiment with the idea of not having children. I visit child-free websites and purchase books: Life without Children, Baby Not on Board, Child-free and Loving It! And in picturing my life without children I find something. I had been going to work every day, coming home, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs, going to bed, waking up, doing it again, pausing only to drink heavily on the weekends. I’ve literally been waiting to get married and have kids to finally give my life some purpose. But now, now, it’s possible that I will never be a mother. And since children aren’t going to give me purpose, I need to find my own. I start taking writing classes, improv classes, going to open mics. I get into grad school. I start a storytelling show. I give birth to myself.

A year after I agree to a child-free existence, my boyfriend still doesn’t want to get married, and I’m like: for fuck’s sake. So I break up with him. A lot of my friends ask, “Does this mean that you want kids now?” I think: who knows? I’m single for the first time in years and, sure, the idea of children being a possibility is nice, but less because I have a throbbing desire to have one and more because I like not having to make the decision. I like that I no longer have to know what I want.

Then I meet my husband. He’s warm and a hundred times more nurturing than me and he wants to have a baby and when I look at him I want that, too. But I also have moments of doubt. I spent such a long time focused on the negatives of having a child. I’ll be physically exhausted during pregnancy, it’ll wreck my body, ruin my boobs, swell up my ankles, tear my vagina, and then when we have the baby it’ll be tethered to me, demanding food every two hours. I won’t be able to sleep or shower and the exhaustion will go down to my bones. And then the baby will grow up and maybe start shoplifting or develop a meth habit or be a whiny person who I don’t like very much. The whole thing seems so dangerous, so likely to result in a bad outcome. And how will I write with a baby? How will I perform? How will I do any of the things that I want to do? What do I, by myself, without the opinion of my partner, want?

I still don’t know. But it’s a Saturday morning and I’m pregnant.

I find it hard to believe at first because I don’t feel any different. But then days go by and I begin to feel a buzz around my edges — every so often there’s a tiny tug on my perception, like I just took some Nyquil and it’s kicking in. I realize that this buzzing is probably a result of the pregnancy. It becomes more real. The women’s restroom at work has private nursing rooms for new mothers. I practice thinking about being a mom. I practice scheduling time in the mother’s nursing room on my Outlook calendar. I’m tired because my energy is being diverted, but I’m also improbably calm. I realize that I, through no conscious effort of my own, am slowly building another person. I feel like I have company everywhere I go. My husband and I compare bellies in the mirror every night. I didn’t think it was possible, but I enjoy being pregnant.

***

It’s a Thursday morning and I have a meeting at work, a typical gathering of people sitting in a room and discussing the intricacies of customer payment patterns, and the meeting turns a little rough. My logic is questioned and my boss publicly notices a spelling error in a memo I wrote. I retreat to the bathroom afterwards with my iPhone so I can sit in a stall, check Facebook, and soothe myself by remembering that nothing at my job really matters. And while in there I see blood. I see a lot of blood.

I put down my phone, retrieve a tampon, clean myself up, and force myself to move air in and out of my lungs because I want to stop breathing. I want to stop my breath so I can stop my mind from telling me what this means. But I do breathe, so my mind slowly registers this new information.

It’s a lot of blood.

Which means it’s a miscarriage.

I’m having a miscarriage.

I have 10 seconds before I start to cry and I need to find place to hide. I’m at work and no one even knows I’m pregnant but now I’m not pregnant, I’m having a miscarriage, but this is a place of business for business people and not a place for miscarriages and the women’s restroom has lots of my co-workers coming and going and they’ll recognize my shoes and they’ll hear me crying in the stall and they’ll ask each other, “Do you know what’s wrong with Dana? Oh — I bet she’s miscarrying.” And I can’t have that — I just can’t have it.

The mother’s nursing room is just around the corner, and it’s open. I stare at it and blink. I run inside and shut the door and sit in that small room with the clock and the fan and the table for the breast pump. I sit in a chair reserved for nursing mothers and I cry the way I bleed — without control, without seeming end. I use my cell phone and call my husband, who can barely understand me. I get it out, tell him we’re not pregnant anymore. He says it’s OK, it’ll be OK, and he loves me. I just cry. I hang up because I’m going to ruin my phone if I keep weeping directly into it. As I cry, part of me is surprised — we are really upset. Yes, we are.

Eventually I calm myself down. I need to go back to my cubicle. But, no, my face is a mess. Bright red, mascara everywhere. I call a trusted co-worker from my cell phone.

“Mary — it’s Dana. I’m in the mother’s nursing room. I need you to come in here and I need you to bring a box of tissues.” And Mary doesn’t even ask, “What?” She just says, “Yes,” hangs up, and runs to me with a box of tissues. She is a mother. I tell her that I’m miscarrying and she looks stricken. She hugs me.

I go home sick. I call the doctor. They say that I’m probably not pregnant anymore, but maybe I am, but probably I’m not, but I should use a maxi pad and not a tampon because my cervix is sensitive. I should come in for a blood test to make sure that I’m definitely not pregnant anymore, because I still could be. Even though I know. I no longer feel that tiny buzz.

I go to the doctor and they draw blood, twice, to compare the results. They tell me that yes, I did miscarry, that it was a chemical pregnancy, which means that I was pregnant, technically, but the embryo wasn’t viable and my body ended the pregnancy. They say that it’s a good thing, because it shows that I can get pregnant. They say that it’s a good thing, because when a pregnancy goes wrong early on, the body does the right thing in ending it. They say that I’ll be extra fertile next time. They notice that I’m crying. They close the office door and hand me a tissue and agree that it’s sad.

***

I keep crying, at random times, every day. My husband tells me it will all be OK and this is a setback, but it will be OK. And in my moments of logic I agree — the body knows best, and if the pregnancy isn’t going to go well, it’s best for the body to end it at the beginning, and we will get pregnant again one day, and I was so unsure that I was even ready for this.

But then there are moments after I’ve exhausted myself with tears, and these moments are so quiet and so visceral that they feel like a higher truth. I had someone, a life, and now I don’t. I feel the difference. It’s hollower. Emptier. Even though it was just cells, barely there. Cells that in past times, times when I was undecided, I would have done anything not to have. But this is different. Because I wanted it.

I didn’t know. I didn’t know how much I wanted children. How much I wanted that child. But now, at least, at the very least, I know.

I know what I want.

This post originally appeared on Empty Sink Publishing.

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